Yesterday, you were butt shuffling across the floor. You were running out the door with a handful of quarters, your excitement barely contained. You were driving your race car down the road, giggling loudly as you skidded around in a circle. You were sitting in the dirt, oblivious to all but the Hot Wheels you were playing with. Yesterday you were in your room, sitting at the really cool desk that Memere and Grampa gave you, drawing plans for the house you were going to build me, or the next car in the V-Niner line. Yesterday you graduated high school. Yesterday you chose your career, and boy were you good at it. Yesterday you told me you were in love, and so happy. Then yesterday you came to me, crying, your heart broken. Yesterday you changed your mind and stayed here on earth with us, though we didn’t know that. You were lighter than we’d seen you in months. Yesterday we played cards, talked, laughed, accusing each other of cheating. Then yesterday, you decided you couldn’t do it anymore. Yesterday you left us. Yesterday I had to say goodbye. Yesterday I cried.
Today I struggle. I struggle to live my life without you in it. I struggle to keep my tears in check. I struggle to be ok. I struggle to be strong. I struggle to be a good friend to my friends who are so good to me. I struggle to continue being a mom, both to you, and your sisters. I struggle to be a good and supportive wife to a man who is just that, when all I want to do is crumble. I struggle to be me. I struggle to travel on, on this journey I never planned for. I struggle to live this life, a life no mother wants to live.
Tomorrow I’ll do today all over again.